And that's how the "cookie" crumbles...

This has been a horrible two days. Who knew life could crumble so quickly and why didn't that person warn me?

Jake and I are taking a step-back approach in our relationship... going to be less serious. We're not on the fast track to marriage or happily ever after anymore. Guess I'll see if making a serious relationship less serious is possible to do with a live-in boyfriend.

I have suggested some initial ground rules to making a less serious relationship work:

1. Don't tell your boy/girlfriend what to do unless he/she asks for your input. 
2. Don't plan your life around your boy/girlfriend. Do whatever whenever, and if you see your   boy/girlfriend, great, but don't make it a priority. 
3. Be self-sufficient. Don't ask him/her to get you things from the kitchen, and don't do each other's laundry, dishes, etc. 

Maybe he will have more suggestions for making a less serious relationship work. As for now, I'm done thinking about the delusion that has eluded me for the last two years of my life - the delusion that this relationship will be for a lifetime. I can't handle that fairy tale crumbling before me right now.

Grief is a process.

What I want

I say, "I want a lot of things," as I look into his eyes. He says, "I know," staring back at me. I finish, "From you, with you, for you." He said he couldn't have said it better himself. As I thought about what it really meant, I realized I began by saying what I wanted selfishly, then by what I want for both of us, and then by what I wanted selflessly for him. Love can make you the person you want to be in the end.

Bizarre::Life

Life can be so bizarre. I logged onto Facebook and my 11th grade newspaper teacher had messaged me saying she was so sorry - that she was sure of at least a 3. I have no idea what she is talking about. She was so bat shit crazy, I dropped the newspaper after one semester. I'm surprised she remembers me!

The dog I found running down a major road I think is in a happy home now. At least, I hope. You never know for sure when giving a dog away what kind of family and love it will receive, but I pray she is safe and adored.

Never tell on your boss that is having sex at work during work hours UPDATE

Update: I quit that miserable job with that coalmining office manager - fuck them all. Oh wait, she already did!

I Hate Apartments

There is a crazy Arab man who doesn't speak English and walks around and stares at everyone in my apartment complex! Yesterday, he spit on me and my dog from the staircase and then went quickly into his apartment!!! When I told the office, all they said was they had other complaints about him, but they're not going to do anything about it!

AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope I can get out of this lease! That's assault, not to mention disgusting! So pissed.

Chance, Cruelty, & their Collision

Love is the only saving grace this world has to offer.

Feeling unconditionally loved by someone makes every other terrible thing in the world bearable. I'm so glad I have Jake.

Last night, Cameron, Savannah's boyfriend, hit and killed a woman he knew, who was also a long-time acquaintance of Jake. She was crossing the road to put a yard sale sign up, and he didn't see her. Her daughter and grandson, however, did and watched her final moments in life. Her daughter has said that the woman stepped in front of Cameron's truck, that it wasn't his fault. Cameron is hysterical. Jake is crying for the woman, her kids, and Cameron - just an 18-yr-old kid who has to figure out how to live after causing death.

What are the chances? Why is the world so cruel?

Never tell on your boss that is having sex at work during work hours

Lesson learned.

Last week, the office manager was IMing a fellow coworker saying that she was going to put me being five minutes late to work that day on my performance review so that my VP would see it and ding my bonus. She accidentally sent that message to me. Feeling like I had been treated unfairly, I became infuriated and told my VP about the office manager's promiscuous affairs during work hours in our office with employees and contractors. I even had the office manager's conversations about the affairs saved on my computer. All my VP could say is "Oh my God.... Oh my God... Oh my God" as she read through the incriminating conversations that I showed her.

And yet, the office manager sits at the same desk a week later sniffling and saying that she is going to talk to me so she won't lose her job but doesn't really want to say anything to me. She says that her whole world has been turned upside down because I told my VP. (She says with her eyes that I have made her a victim and she hates me.)

And again, I feel the oh-so-comfortable feeling of guilt, depression, and self-hatred.