And that's how the "cookie" crumbles...

This has been a horrible two days. Who knew life could crumble so quickly and why didn't that person warn me?

Jake and I are taking a step-back approach in our relationship... going to be less serious. We're not on the fast track to marriage or happily ever after anymore. Guess I'll see if making a serious relationship less serious is possible to do with a live-in boyfriend.

I have suggested some initial ground rules to making a less serious relationship work:

1. Don't tell your boy/girlfriend what to do unless he/she asks for your input. 
2. Don't plan your life around your boy/girlfriend. Do whatever whenever, and if you see your   boy/girlfriend, great, but don't make it a priority. 
3. Be self-sufficient. Don't ask him/her to get you things from the kitchen, and don't do each other's laundry, dishes, etc. 

Maybe he will have more suggestions for making a less serious relationship work. As for now, I'm done thinking about the delusion that has eluded me for the last two years of my life - the delusion that this relationship will be for a lifetime. I can't handle that fairy tale crumbling before me right now.

Grief is a process.

What I want

I say, "I want a lot of things," as I look into his eyes. He says, "I know," staring back at me. I finish, "From you, with you, for you." He said he couldn't have said it better himself. As I thought about what it really meant, I realized I began by saying what I wanted selfishly, then by what I want for both of us, and then by what I wanted selflessly for him. Love can make you the person you want to be in the end.

Bizarre::Life

Life can be so bizarre. I logged onto Facebook and my 11th grade newspaper teacher had messaged me saying she was so sorry - that she was sure of at least a 3. I have no idea what she is talking about. She was so bat shit crazy, I dropped the newspaper after one semester. I'm surprised she remembers me!

The dog I found running down a major road I think is in a happy home now. At least, I hope. You never know for sure when giving a dog away what kind of family and love it will receive, but I pray she is safe and adored.

Never tell on your boss that is having sex at work during work hours UPDATE

Update: I quit that miserable job with that coalmining office manager - fuck them all. Oh wait, she already did!

I Hate Apartments

There is a crazy Arab man who doesn't speak English and walks around and stares at everyone in my apartment complex! Yesterday, he spit on me and my dog from the staircase and then went quickly into his apartment!!! When I told the office, all they said was they had other complaints about him, but they're not going to do anything about it!

AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope I can get out of this lease! That's assault, not to mention disgusting! So pissed.

Chance, Cruelty, & their Collision

Love is the only saving grace this world has to offer.

Feeling unconditionally loved by someone makes every other terrible thing in the world bearable. I'm so glad I have Jake.

Last night, Cameron, Savannah's boyfriend, hit and killed a woman he knew, who was also a long-time acquaintance of Jake. She was crossing the road to put a yard sale sign up, and he didn't see her. Her daughter and grandson, however, did and watched her final moments in life. Her daughter has said that the woman stepped in front of Cameron's truck, that it wasn't his fault. Cameron is hysterical. Jake is crying for the woman, her kids, and Cameron - just an 18-yr-old kid who has to figure out how to live after causing death.

What are the chances? Why is the world so cruel?

Never tell on your boss that is having sex at work during work hours

Lesson learned.

Last week, the office manager was IMing a fellow coworker saying that she was going to put me being five minutes late to work that day on my performance review so that my VP would see it and ding my bonus. She accidentally sent that message to me. Feeling like I had been treated unfairly, I became infuriated and told my VP about the office manager's promiscuous affairs during work hours in our office with employees and contractors. I even had the office manager's conversations about the affairs saved on my computer. All my VP could say is "Oh my God.... Oh my God... Oh my God" as she read through the incriminating conversations that I showed her.

And yet, the office manager sits at the same desk a week later sniffling and saying that she is going to talk to me so she won't lose her job but doesn't really want to say anything to me. She says that her whole world has been turned upside down because I told my VP. (She says with her eyes that I have made her a victim and she hates me.)

And again, I feel the oh-so-comfortable feeling of guilt, depression, and self-hatred.

I must cook!

Italian Herb Skillet Bread

For today’s Guest Post, I chose to make one of my favorite bread recipes - Italian Herb Skillet Bread. This bread is SOOO good. It is the perfect compliment to your favorite pasta. Best of all - this is super easy and super delicious!

What you need:

7 Rhodes frozen dinner rolls

1/4 tsp basil

1/4 tsp pepper

1/4 tsp oregano

1/4 tsp rosemary

1/4 tsp garlic powder

1/8 tsp red pepper flakes

3 Tbsp butter, melted

Spray a small iron skillet with cooking spray. Place 7 frozen rolls in the skillet, leaving plenty of room for rising.

Cover and allow to rise for several hours. (Mine took 4 hours to fully rise)

Uncover rolls

Combine herbs and mix with melted butter.

Brush rolls with half of the melted butter and herbs.

Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese if desired.

Bake at 350 for 15 to 20 minutes, or until rolls are a deep golden brown on top.

Brush with additional butter and serve in skillet.

Writing

I remember teachers examining what writing means, why it's important, and how it influences each person. Today, writing is more important to me than ever because I feel opportunities to be a writer are limited.

I wish I could go back to every English classroom I've been in and linger over words, write analyses of authors' uses of literary techniques - just be present - not be thinking about whatever boyfriend I had at the time or how depressed I felt, but rather how the words made me feel, how the words connected me to others. Now, as I sit at a lonely reception desk, I wish I could be challenged by the configurations of poetic forms and the themes of Faulkner.

God, please give this writer a chance to write. Please give me endurance to write the story I've always dreamed of...

Looking in all the wrong places....

I find I'm beginning to look outside of myself to find happiness...

Beginnings and Split Ends

Life was so different a year ago today. Today is Jake's mom's birthday, and on this very day last year, the very same sun was shining on my shoulders as I held the hardened body of Lucy in my arms, sobbing over her in the driveway of Jake's family's house. The house that had been in his family for 40 years is now sold. My mom stilled lived in Nashville. I was in college, taking classes such as scriptwriting, film theory, and modern British Literature; I was being taught from professors with last names like Holtzclaw and Kostkowska and one that I feel should have been named Schmit.

Now I'm being taught by a more ruthless teacher - life. I'm standing on my own two feet but sometimes the only thing holding me up is the sand that has encased around my ankles, acting as cement as the waves crash against my body, hardened from stress and love.

I miss feeling free. Sometimes I think I am a bird who is stuck in a cage, not meant for this kind of life or life in general. I'm a free spirit and the world and people around me don't understand that the confined boxes they dwell in are too narrow and lurid for me. Perhaps, I am jaded. Perhaps, I've always known that about myself. I yearn for freedom because I am already in a box - the one I put myself in everyday that I get out of bed. The kind of box with walls made of social norms and self-induced fears.

Oh Lord, my shepard, lead me into greener meadows. Let the lifeless run free and free the life within me.

If my heart were an anchor, it would be at the bottom of the sea.

If my heart were an anchor, it would be at the bottom of the sea.


I feel stuck... stuck in a depression that I feel I will not overcome. I'm not sure what I can do. Every time I come to this familiar place, I have the same thoughts --- I want to get out, but no matter what I do, it will just take time of dredging on to see the surface again, to see the sparkle of the sunshine on the crests of the waves.

I can't run away. It won't get me away from myself.
I can't try and hide in other people; they will just disappoint me. Everyone disappoints me... even myself.

Saturday, Trey told me 2 of Sarah's pain pills were missing from her prescription she is taking for her bladder infection. Of course, Jake was the only one home during the time they went missing. He swore he didn't take them. Sunday, I found a cut straw with a milky residue on the inside in the pocket of the shorts he had worn the day before. He swore he had just been cleaning out his truck and that was left in his pocket. He said he wished he had done it so he could say he did and I would be satisfied by his answer.... Needless to say, I'm not satisfied by his excuses that he did not take them and the straw was from before he got sober. How stupid am I that I believe him or at least accept his denials?

Finding Myself

I remember a course I took in my freshman year of college that talked about not having an occupation, but working with my vocation. I thought this was an easy concept and that the steps I would need to take to make this happen, would just in fact happen. As I'm learning, it is easier to have an occupation, to just have a job because it pays the bills rather than chasing my dreams through the fear built up around failing to attain them. Following my heart to the career I want is extremely terrifying.

What about business school? It would practically guarantee I would have a future with a good salary. How will I let down the people I work with? They will have to find someone else if I leave...

All of these questions are revolving in my mind daily...