Looking in all the wrong places....

I find I'm beginning to look outside of myself to find happiness...

Beginnings and Split Ends

Life was so different a year ago today. Today is Jake's mom's birthday, and on this very day last year, the very same sun was shining on my shoulders as I held the hardened body of Lucy in my arms, sobbing over her in the driveway of Jake's family's house. The house that had been in his family for 40 years is now sold. My mom stilled lived in Nashville. I was in college, taking classes such as scriptwriting, film theory, and modern British Literature; I was being taught from professors with last names like Holtzclaw and Kostkowska and one that I feel should have been named Schmit.

Now I'm being taught by a more ruthless teacher - life. I'm standing on my own two feet but sometimes the only thing holding me up is the sand that has encased around my ankles, acting as cement as the waves crash against my body, hardened from stress and love.

I miss feeling free. Sometimes I think I am a bird who is stuck in a cage, not meant for this kind of life or life in general. I'm a free spirit and the world and people around me don't understand that the confined boxes they dwell in are too narrow and lurid for me. Perhaps, I am jaded. Perhaps, I've always known that about myself. I yearn for freedom because I am already in a box - the one I put myself in everyday that I get out of bed. The kind of box with walls made of social norms and self-induced fears.

Oh Lord, my shepard, lead me into greener meadows. Let the lifeless run free and free the life within me.

If my heart were an anchor, it would be at the bottom of the sea.

If my heart were an anchor, it would be at the bottom of the sea.


I feel stuck... stuck in a depression that I feel I will not overcome. I'm not sure what I can do. Every time I come to this familiar place, I have the same thoughts --- I want to get out, but no matter what I do, it will just take time of dredging on to see the surface again, to see the sparkle of the sunshine on the crests of the waves.

I can't run away. It won't get me away from myself.
I can't try and hide in other people; they will just disappoint me. Everyone disappoints me... even myself.

Saturday, Trey told me 2 of Sarah's pain pills were missing from her prescription she is taking for her bladder infection. Of course, Jake was the only one home during the time they went missing. He swore he didn't take them. Sunday, I found a cut straw with a milky residue on the inside in the pocket of the shorts he had worn the day before. He swore he had just been cleaning out his truck and that was left in his pocket. He said he wished he had done it so he could say he did and I would be satisfied by his answer.... Needless to say, I'm not satisfied by his excuses that he did not take them and the straw was from before he got sober. How stupid am I that I believe him or at least accept his denials?